Why Do I Keep Chasing Others' Approval?

If you have complex trauma or are used to others not really seeing or understanding you, you might recognise this pattern: desperately seeking validation from people who rarely give it, and in some cases, overlooking those who genuinely appreciate you.

Understanding the Pattern

When we experience trauma or relationship difficulties, especially during our formative years, our brains develop survival strategies. If love and safety were conditional or unpredictable, we learned that earning approval was necessary for survival. This created powerful neural pathways that continue to influence our relationships today.

This isn't your fault. It was how your brain protected you.

The difficult truth is that seeking validation from people who withhold it can feel familiar and even "right" when it matches our early experiences. It's like your brain says, "This feels like home," even when "home" wasn't safe or nurturing.

How This Pattern Shows Up in Daily Life

This validation-seeking pattern can manifest in many ways:

• Romantic relationships: Being drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or who make you work for their affection
• Friendships: Prioritising friends who take more than they give, or feeling anxious when friendships feel secure and easy
• Family dynamics: Continuing to seek approval from family members who have historically been critical or dismissive
• Work relationships: Overworking to impress a critical boss while dismissing praise from supportive colleagues
• Social media: Feeling devastated by criticism from strangers while minimising supportive comments

Some emotional signs you might be caught in this pattern:

• You work harder for approval from critical people than from supportive ones
• You dismiss compliments from those who consistently value you
• You feel more "alive" in the chase for validation than in stable relationships
• You doubt relationships where acceptance comes easily
• You often feel like "too much" or "not enough" in relationships
• You apologise frequently, even when you've done nothing wrong
• You can sense rejection before it happens and feel an urgent need to fix it

Why It Feels Like an Addiction

That momentary rush when someone finally gives you a crumb of approval activates the same reward pathways in your brain as addictive substances. You get a dopamine hit that feels amazing, but fades quickly, leaving you craving more.

The unpredictable nature of this validation makes it especially addictive. Psychologists call this a "variable reward schedule" - the same mechanism that makes gambling so compelling. When you never know when the validation will come, you keep trying longer and harder.

This creates a painful cycle: the harder you chase validation, the more you reinforce your belief that you're not inherently worthy of love and acceptance.

The Impact on Your Well-being

Living in this pattern can take a significant toll:

• Physical exhaustion: Constantly trying to earn approval is depleting
• Emotional instability: Riding the highs of validation and the lows of rejection
• Loss of self: Adapting to others' expectations at the expense of your authentic needs
• Chronic stress: Living with the constant fear of disapproval activates stress responses
• Delayed healing: Continuing to seek validation from unavailable sources keeps wounds open

Shifting this pattern is possible, though it takes time and compassion for yourself. Here's where to start:

1. Recognise the pattern

Simply naming what's happening is powerful. Notice when you're seeking approval from people who rarely give it. Try keeping a simple journal noting:

• Who do I seek validation from?
• How does this pursuit make me feel?
• What happens in my body when I receive or don't receive this validation?

2. Get curious, not critical

Ask yourself gently: "What am I hoping to get from this person's approval? What wound am I trying to heal?" Often, we're trying to resolve something from our past, perhaps hoping that if we can finally get approval from someone who reminds us of a critical parent, we can heal that original wound.

Remember: The people who couldn't give you validation then likely still can't give it now - and that's about their limitations, not your worthiness.

3. Feel the feelings

There's often deep grief in recognising that someone cannot give you what you need. Allow yourself to feel that loss. Behind the validation-seeking often lies profound longing for connection, acceptance, and safety. These are normal human needs that may not have been met.

Try creating a safe space to express these feelings - through journaling, art, movement, or with the support of a therapist.

4. Practice receiving authentic connection

Notice the people who do appreciate you. It might feel uncomfortable or boring at first - stay with that discomfort. Our nervous systems are used to the rollercoaster of seeking validation, so stable, consistent relationships might initially feel "flat" in comparison.

Try this: When someone offers genuine appreciation, take a deep breath and say "thank you" instead of deflecting. Notice how it feels in your body to receive without having to earn it.

5. Build internal validation

External validation, even from healthy sources, will never be completely consistent. Building your internal validation muscle is essential:

• Start with small daily acknowledgments of your efforts, not just achievements
• Practice speaking to yourself with the compassion you'd offer a good friend
• Create a "validation jar" where you write down moments you felt proud of yourself
• Notice when you're being self-critical and gently ask, "Would I say this to someone I love?"

6. Set boundaries with validation-withholders

As you heal, you may choose to maintain relationships with people who have been inconsistent with their validation, but with new boundaries. This might look like:

• Limiting time spent with these individuals
• Practicing neutral responses to criticism
• Identifying support people to talk with before and after difficult interactions
• Reminding yourself that their opinion is just one perspective, not the truth

7. Seek support

This healing is challenging to do alone. Consider:

• Working with a trauma-informed therapist familiar with attachment wounds
• Reading books on complex trauma, relationship difficulty, and healing
• Following trauma-informed accounts on social media that normalise and explain these experiences

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Remember that progress isn't linear. You'll have days of clarity and days when old patterns return. Each time you notice the pattern, you're strengthening new neural pathways. Be patient with yourself through this process.

Some signs of healing you might notice over time:

• Finding yourself naturally drawn to people who consistently show up for you
• Feeling less anxious when someone is reliable and kind
• Noticing when you're seeking validation and being able to pause
• Experiencing increased comfort with genuine connection
• Finding it easier to trust your own perceptions and feelings
• Feeling worthy even when you make mistakes

A New Path Forward

True connection happens when we invest in relationships with people who appreciate us as we are, not as who they want us to be. You deserve relationships that feel like coming home to yourself, not leaving yourself behind.

Your worth has never been determined by someone else's ability to see it. The journey from seeking approval to accepting authentic connection can be so freeing -and you've already taken the first step by becoming aware of the pattern.

Be gentle with yourself. This work takes time. Each small step toward trusting your inherent worthiness changes not just your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself.

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