For most of my (albeit fairly new) career as a psychologist, I have been working with neurodivergent individuals, predominantly AuDHDers (those who have identified their neurotype as both autistic and ADHD). Evidence increasingly indicates that people are most likely to possess both the ADHD and autistic neurotypes concurrently (Lai et al., 2019; Antshel & Russo, 2019), so for the purposes of this article, I won't be focusing on meaningfully distinguishing traits of either.
This article discusses common themes and experiences of AuDHDers around online communication, based on practice-led observations as well as my own lived experience as an AuDHDer. That being said, other neurodivergent (ND) individuals may also relate to these experiences. I also want to acknowledge that there are many AuDHDers with a preference for online over face-to-face communication – if this is you, that is entirely valid, and feel free to finish reading here as you are probably not the target audience of this piece of writing!
A very common experience I observe in our community that many find distressing and difficult is the (potentially neuronormative) expectation around having to maintain and be in near-constant online communication. Many individuals I work with find it stressful, demanding, and contrary to their natural preferences to respond to the myriad of texts and messages received online during almost every waking moment. This aligns with research on cognitive load theory and the increased burden of task-switching for neurodivergent individuals (Wyble et al., 2018).
Personally, I know there are very specific instances when I do have the time, energy, or capacity to respond to the demands of online messaging—and, unsurprisingly, this typically has no correlation to how much or how deeply I care for the person who has messaged me.
I have a few hypotheses around why messaging is so challenging for AuDHDers:
Our brains are often incredibly busy, spending significant time processing information thanks to ADHD cognitive hyperactivity and/or differences in attention regulation (Volkow et al., 2011), and autistic detail orientation and sensory sensitivity (Robertson & Baron-Cohen, 2017), to name a few factors. This means it is almost too easy for us to get a notification, read a message, and then have something else come up. All too often, we tell ourselves that we will reply later, but, like a cloud of candyfloss dissolving into a pool of water, the internal reminder to reply disappears, never to be seen again. This is consistent with research on prospective memory challenges in ADHD (Talbot et al., 2018).
Our neurodivergent brains and nervous systems haven't evolved quickly enough to keep pace with our current attentional demands, let alone our communication demands (Ward, 2013). With the rapid globalisation and technological advances we've experienced in the last few decades, our social circles can potentially be infinite, rather than being comprised of the comparatively fewer people we would have been in constant communication with daily just a few decades earlier.
You may recall research popularised a few years ago on the maximum number of social connections an individual was suggested to be able to maintain—"Dunbar's number"—based on the work of anthropologist Robin Dunbar, which suggests that cognitively we have the capacity to maintain around 150 social connections (Dunbar, 1992). Although the validity and accuracy of this specific number has been questioned in more recent research (Lindenfors et al., 2021), I would be inclined to suggest that for many people, the current demands of communication (largely in relation to how connected we are online) exceed the capacity of many ND individuals.
I want to acknowledge, of course, the enormous benefits that have occurred as a result of the internet, as well as recognise the naturalistic fallacy (because the internet is not "natural", therefore its effects may potentially be harmful) at play here. However, being in constant communication and facing this level of demand every day, likely for the rest of our lives, is something that many ND individuals, myself included, appear to struggle with (Hartanto & Yang, 2016).
The final point I wanted to raise concerns the idea that, intuitively, seems along the lines of autistic "just righting", or binary moral values around "correct" and "incorrect" social behaviour. Many describe a huge block or feeling of paralysis that occurs after having left a message on "delivered" status or forgetting to respond for "too long". Some will ruminate on the message they need to reply to for weeks, months, or even years, typically experiencing an exponential increase in their anxiety directly proportional to the amount of time they have been unable to reply.
In line with research citing neurodivergent individuals generally experience lower self-compassion and higher rates of self-criticism (Neff & Germer, 2017; Cage et al., 2018), as well as neurodivergent-specific phenomena such as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) (Dodson, 2021), many individuals will be highly punitive and critical of themselves for their "inability" to reply. Many report excessive guilt, rumination, and worry that others will view them negatively or as unreliable for not being able to reply within a "timely manner". This is often a huge barrier to maintaining social connection, which can already be such a minefield.
Additionally, many ND individuals (particularly women) have difficulties with interpersonal boundaries and self-sacrificing behaviour (Bargiela et al., 2016), and struggle to prioritise which messages need replies. As a result, many of the ND clients I have worked with feel that absolutely everyone is entitled to their energy and time, and more specifically, a reply via email, text, or messenger. This is, of course, incredibly overwhelming, and their subsequent difficulties with internal expectations around replying lead them to view their behaviour as "rude", socially taboo, a personal failing, or a character flaw.
I want to introduce the potentially controversial but definitely self-compassionate idea that:
There is no "proper" or specific amount of time you need to reply to a message by, and replying when you have capacity, no matter how late it is, is almost always going to be better than leaving things unsaid.
This approach aligns with emerging research on self-compassion interventions for neurodivergent individuals (Finlay-Jones et al., 2021).
Of course, this applies specifically to relationships that are healthy, positive, and beneficial, and that you actually want to maintain. If someone is rude, hurtful, or abusive to you, there is absolutely no need for you to reply, and you can even block them to ensure they are not able to contact you again. That way, you don't have to experience the distress or dysregulation that occurs in response to contact from said person.
While we can never be in control of how a reply will be received, we can be in control of our communication and acknowledge our difficulties in this regard. Simply naming the dynamic or what has occurred can help:
"Hey, I'm sorry, I know that a lot of time has passed since I replied. I have been thinking about it often and had a lot on my plate, but now things are a bit more manageable, and I really wanted to reach out."
This will hopefully make both parties feel at least slightly better, and at the very least provide some helpful context for the other person around why things were difficult and you didn't reply (as well as the fact that you still care).
Being specific about other ways that are easier for you to communicate—calling, voice memos, having specific and set plans to catch up weekly, fortnightly, monthly, etc.—may also be beneficial. Being confident in advocating for your needs and preferences when it comes to communicating with others online can be so beneficial to our wellbeing. That is not to say there are never times when we should push ourselves to be more responsive to others—like so many dynamics in a relationship, this is an important balancing act.
If someone has continually been hostile or critical of your difficulties with replying, rather than this being something about you that you need to inherently change or "fix", there might be something in the relationship dynamic between you both that needs addressing. Alternatively, you might not be a good fit as friends or otherwise and be unable to meet each other's needs.
Something I really value in my relationships (it goes without saying we are all some form of neurodivergent) is the care, flexibility, and understanding we have that we can leave a message on "delivered" for weeks, sometimes yes, even months, and we are no less close and the relationship is no less valid because of it.
While previously if I had been on the receiving end of this, it would definitely have activated my RSD, it's really lovely and has been so positive for my wellbeing to be able to move beyond neuronormativity in my relational and communication style. Now I am taken aback when people apologise to me for a delayed response (especially if they still reply within 24 hours)—it goes without saying that I understand.
Written by Jacqui Harvey
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