Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is when you think negatively about yourself, the world and your future. These unhelpful thinking patterns can lead to harsh self-criticism, which in turn can create low self-confidence and feelings of anxiety, sadness, shame, guilt and anger. People with low self-esteem often doubt their ability to complete tasks, and may avoid situations because of a fear of failure.

Low self-esteem can also show up as people pleasing in order to avoid rejection and abandonment. People with low self-esteem may take a passive role in relationships, frequently apologise for existing and blame themselves even when they are not responsible at all.

What can low self-esteem look like?

• Low self-confidence
• Feeling a lack of control in your life
• Comparing yourself negatively to others
• Finding it hard to ask for what you need and want
• Feeling you don’t deserve basic needs or wants
• Worry and self-doubt
• Dismissing positive feedback
• Negative, often self-deprecating, self-talk
• Fear of failure
• Negative outlook on life
• Difficulty with boundaries
• People pleasing
• Often buying things for others
• Seeking approval from others
• Low motivation
• Treating yourself poorly
• Focusing on what you see as your flaws
• Apologising for existing
• Finding it hard to make your own decisions
• Relying on others to direct your life
• Negative self-perceptions
• Feeling powerless
• Believing others don’t like you because something is wrong with you
• Believing you are unlikeable, unlovable and unworthy of love
• Finding it hard to accept and like yourself
• Belief that you don’t deserve happiness or fun
• Minimising achievements
• Labelling yourself negatively
• Going against your values to please others.
• Isolating yourself
• Not feeling good enough

What are the possible causes of low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem can stem from early life experiences, difficult life events, or a build-up of several of these.

• bullying
• trauma or abuse
• medical and mental health conditions
• cultural forces such as racism, classism, sexism and ableism
• criticism from others
• inattentive or uninvolved caregivers and parents
• disapproval from authority figures or parents
• rejection and abandonment
• society and media influences
• unhelpful core beliefs
• academic/performance challenges.
• experiences of failure
• body image
• perfectionism

How is low self-esteem maintained?

Low self-esteem can be maintained in various ways:

• coping in ways that keep the cycle going
• ruminating on perceived flaws and failures
• unhelpful rules and assumptions for living
• negative predictions
• unrelenting standards
• speaking to yourself in a critical way
• being passive
• finding it hard to set boundaries with self and others
• avoiding close relationships with others
• never moving outside of your comfort zone and taking healthy risks

Low self-esteem and other mental health difficulties

Low self-esteem can also be part of the picture for people living with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cPTSD, PTSD, BPD, addiction, or grief and loss.

How can you build self-esteem?

• Work on self-acceptance
• Work on being compassionate to yourself
• Accept compliments
• Challenge negative thoughts by focusing on the facts of the situation rather than perceptions of it
• Challenge rules and unhelpful expectations
• Challenge rigidity and be open to flexibility
• Surround yourself with supportive people
• Maintain healthy boundaries
• Engage in pleasurable and achievable activities
• Notice how you talk about yourself
• Be assertive and ask for what you need and want
• Set boundaries
• Be willing to move outside your comfort zone and take healthy risks
• Try new things with an open mind
• Set achievable and realistic goals
• Reach out for professional support

What support is available for low self-esteem?

Therapies that can help with low self-esteem include Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Schema Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy.